Tales of Tech Support: A One Act in Chat

I love tech support chat. Well, love/hate it. I think it's useful and efficient, and it allows me to both bypass talking to some idiot on the phone and to keep playing my own music, chats, etc. as I work. But there is a problem: the script. I don't know why companies think strictly sticking to a script is helpful. If they would let their tech chatters be real people instead of robots, I'd have a much better time.

Tonight I met Oliver Y, a nice young man (or old man? Or young woman? Or old woman? Who can tell?) who works for Road Runner/Time Warner Cable. We almost had a very deep and serious relationship, and I'd like to share it with you through our chat transcript with added stage directions. Ahem:

Tales of Tech Support: A One Act in Chat

by Zachary Wilson

[The room is white with an accent of blue. Zachary waits patiently as a small colored square blinks. The anticipation builds. Who will his partner in technical support be tonight? Just then, a stranger enters the room. They exchange looks as the stranger, identified as Oliver, begins typing.]

Oliver: Hello! Thank you for choosing Road Runner Internet technical Chat. My name is Oliver Y. How may I assist you?
Zachary: My internet has been slow over the past few days. I've unplugged it and plugged it back in a few times, but it doesn't seem to help like it usually does.
Zachary: According to SpeedTest.net, it's anywhere between .5 and .75 mbps
Oliver: I will definitely look into this. To get us started, I will need to verify some security information and then we can move on to understanding your setup. We will need to perform some troubleshooting steps together, and I'll be running some tests on my end. Feel free to ask questions along the way.
Oliver: Before we begin, please provide the following three pieces of information to verify your account and to document this interaction for future reference:
1. The account holder's 10 digit telephone number. (xxx-xxx-xxxx)
2. The account holder's Full Name. (First and Last)
3. Please tell us your name.

[Oliver has typed so quickly that Zachary hasn't had the time to explain the entire problem. Zachary actually does know a bit about computers and has been troubleshooting in preparation for this meeting. Oliver doesn't seem to notice or care. Oliver sticks with the script.]

Zachary [continuing previous thought]: usually it runs up in the 11-14 mbps range and unplugging/replugging it helps
Oliver [testily]: I will provide you with that information.
Oliver: I request you to provide me with the information above as it will help me to pull up the database.

[Zachary is a bit taken aback by Oliver's frankness, but he provides all required information.]

Oliver: Thank you for providing all required information.
Oliver: Zachary, I understand that you are experiencing slow speed with your Road Runner Internet connection. Is this correct?
Zachary: yes
Oliver: Thank you for the clarification.
Oliver: I will certainly look into this.

[Oliver goes on to ask personal questions concerning the make of Zachary's computer and his browser. Zachary eagerly awaits Oliver's advice, but he fears he already knows the upcoming suggestion.]

Oliver: Choose Cookie Manager from the Tools menu. Choose Manage Stored Cookies. Remove any cookie from the list, or remove all cookies.

[Just as Zachary had suspected. He does not remove his stored cookies as this is never the actual problem.]

Zachary: ok did that
Oliver: Please visit the web link mentioned below.
Oliver: http://speedtest.nyc.rr.com/
Oliver: Check the speed using the web link mentioned above and let me know the upload and download speed you get.

[Zachary checks the speed on both SpeedTest.net and Road Runner's speed testing site and is pleasantly surprised to find the speed has magically fixed itself. He suspects Oliver did something on the other end of the room.]

Zachary: okay whatever you did worked. now it's up to 15.87
Oliver [showing unexpected emotion]: Excellent!!
Zachary: indeed

[Giddy from the success, Zachary decides to ask about the problem in more detail. Oliver, however, is little help, especially considering Zachary didn't actually do anything.]

Zachary: i usually unplug it and wait a few minutes and plug it back in and it's fine, but why does it do that at all?
Oliver: Please keep deleting temp files and cookies of your browser within 2-3 days.
Oliver: A cookie is a small piece of file which stores your browsing preferences, when you visit a particular website. As and when you browse the Internet the cookies are stored in your temporary Internet folder (Cache). As a result, it slows down the Internet speed thus hampering browsing experience. It is always desirable to delete cookies and temporary Internet files to experience smooth browsing.
Oliver: For more information, you can visit this link anytime to get more help and knowledge about the products and services offered by Road Runner: http://help.rr.com and check for online FAQs.
Oliver: Is there anything else that I can assist you with regarding Road Runner products and services?

[Zachary is not convinced. Is Oliver hiding something from Zachary, putting their relationship in jeopardy? Zachary gets defiant for a moment.]

Zachary: yeah but that cant be it. it's on my computer and my roommate's computer. i dont think it has anything to do with the cookies
Oliver: Alright.

[Oliver is clearly stunned. Zachary pursues the truth and continues checking the speed testers.]

Zachary: how does it work? did you reset something over there to make it fast again?
Oliver: I could not do any thing as your cable modem is fine.
Oliver: However, I tested your cable modem remotely.
Zachary: so now my speed is registering in at 10 mbps
Oliver: Yes.
Zachary: how did i lose 5 mbps already?
Oliver: You are subscribed for 10 Mbps.
Zachary: now i'm at 5
Oliver: Did you run the speed test again?
Zachary: 5.79, 6.11
Zachary: where did all that speed go?
Zachary: yeah
Oliver: Alright.
Zachary: now i'm back to 10.97
Oliver: It might be fluctuating due to heavy load on server.
Zachary: and now i'm at 13
Zachary: so basically it just does what it wants until one day it runs at .5 and doesnt go back up until i unplug it
Oliver: This should not be the case.
Zachary: agreed

[Zachary doesn't know where to go from here and stays quiet. It is clear that Oliver either can't help him... or is choosing not to.]

Oliver: Is there anything else that I can assist you with regarding Road Runner products and services?
Zachary: nope.

[Zachary decides to take it to the next level, hoping to catch another quick glimmer of personality from stone cold Oliver.]

Zachary: but on a personal note, it would be nice if you guys were able to talk like real people and not all robot scripty. do you have a survey i can fill out or anything?
Oliver: I would let you know how to get the survey however, I would appreciate if you can tell me when and where did feel that it was a robot script conversation.
Oliver: We will try to improve it.

[Zachary sees his chance and realizes Oliver is a real person after all. He even repeated "robot script!" Zachary is pleased. He moves in for a joke, punctuated by a "hah."]

Zachary: it would probably be easier to tell you where i didnt feel like you were robot script, hah

[Oliver is silent.]

Zachary: anything that was more than one line felt copy-pasted. which i understand is probably the most efficient way to do this, especially if you're juggling more than one window
Zachary: anyway, ramble ramble

[Oliver clearly isn't amused.]

Oliver: Zachary, I suggest you to follow the steps provided above and get back to us if it does not resolve the issue.
Oliver: I can understand how you feel and regret this inconvenience.

[Afraid Oliver took Zachary's comments the wrong way, Zachary backpedals, assuring Oliver that he did a good job and trying to relate to him on a personal level.]

Zachary: oh it's no inconvenience
Zachary: i just wish The Man would let its customer support people be real people. tech chatting is so stale. and it's nothing against you, just a general comment. you were very helpful and i would give you high marks on a survey

[Zachary desperately hopes for personality from Oliver...]

Oliver: We assured we will do our best to resolve your slow browsing issue. If there would be a requirement we will transfer you to next level of support.
Oliver: You are most welcome Zachary.

[Zachary realizes it's too late. Oliver is lost. Zachary is defeated.]

Oliver: Is there anything else that I can assist you with regarding Road Runner products and services?
Zachary: nope, thanks a lot. i'll be back when the thing slows down again
Oliver: It was pleasure assisting you.
Oliver: Thank you for contacting Road Runner technical support, again my name is Oliver Y, we value you as a customer.
Oliver: Analyst has closed chat and left the room

[And with that, he is gone. A survey appears, resizing Zachary's Firefox window. Zachary signs and sizes it back down. Fade to blackout.]